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15 June 2017

WACHS Fitness Tip: Dealing With Show Tunes Anxiety

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WARNING!! All of the WACHS fitness tips work for WACHS. They may hack the problem for you. They may not.


Stress and anxiety are the root of all disease. If you can keep those two at bay, you’re gonna live awhile. All you have to do after that is avoid mosques and Arabs, the next two root causes of disease.

Being raised in a family of neurotic Jewish moneychangers has had a profound effect on me. I grew up thinking arguing and conflict were essential to life. Everybody I knew was into telling everyone else they were doing it wrong.

So which method should be used to deal with the inevitable stress and anxiety that comes from a lifetime of being around negativity?

Well, there’s meditation, massage, exercise, booze, pills, weed. All of them are effective but have strong downsides. Meditation requires patience, massage creates embarrassing boners, exercise jacks up your back and knees, booze, pills, and weed will get you pregnant.

So it is with great pleasure that I tell you that there is something for stress and anxiety I’ve come across that is cheap, effective, over-the-counter and safe around chimps and guns.

It’s called L-methylfolate. Do not confuse with folic acid. Make sure the label says “l-methylfolate.”

My pal, Herman from Dunwoody, who shakes a lot, told me about it.

“Better late than nelver,” he said, as he described this middle-aged discovery. Herman is rarely positive about anything except the Patriots and the Red Sox so I figured there must be something to this l-methylfolate stuff.

I went on Amazon to look at the reviews of the top brands of l-methylfolate. Seventy-five percent of the reviews were positive for this product, and of those reviews, all the ones I read were from anxious, bi-polar loons who were overjoyed that folate curbed their anxiety, and they could reduce their reliance on pills. I decided to try it.

Better late than nelver is exactly right! I may be late to the party, but this shit works! I took a gram of l-methylfolate before going to see Mamma Mia! at the Fabulous Fox Theater last night. Without it, I would not have been able to sit through this incredibly stupid show.

Mamma Mia! is about a slut who has a daughter who is getting married. The daughter wants to have her unknown father at the wedding. Daughter roots through Slut Mom’s diary and finds Slut Mom slept with 3 different men 9 months prior to daughter’s birth. Naturally, Daughter’s daddy issues lead her to send wedding invites to all 3 fellas, hoping to sort it all out. So it’s a big musical Maury episode.

The musical numbers in Mamma Mia are all songs from ABBA, the #1 Swedish pop super group of the 1970s. The entire plot is weaved around the lyrics in ABBA tunes.

I like ABBA tunes, but I like the hits. In order to make a 2-hour Broadway show, the writers had to use a lot of ABBA album cuts. That’s a little hardcore for me.

Other problems:

I was seated behind a giant woman with a big smelly hair do and she kept itching her scalp with the corner of her Playbill every so often rendering half the stage invisible to me.

The Fox Theater employees are all Nazis. They have a new policy there. Once seated, you must stay there until intermission. Want to go to the bathroom after the 3rd ABBA album cut? Welp, see ya at intermission. Preposterous.

I didn’t care because my tickets were free and it was Mamma Mia, but what if I paid $150 a ticket for the best show ever, “Book of Mormon?” You better have something stronger than a flashlight. I would BTFO those Fox Nazis for sure!

BTW, if you’re going to have a policy like this, tell the concession people to speed it up! They move like frozen borscht. Breezy Boo almost wasn’t let back in after intermission until she went redneck on an usher. Mamma Mia is one of her favorite shows.

The audience is about 65, the bathrooms are 90 years old, oh, and non-spoiler alert! we never find out who the real father is because the play was written by wacked out liberals who don’t take fatherhood, marriage, or story endings very seriously. Just whatever serves their false god of ABBA tunes best.

But with that l-methylfolate, I just glided through the evening like a Dancing Queen. No need for an SOS. I felt like I was winning as I was losing. The evening could have been my Waterloo, but it wasn’t.

And I thank you, l-methylfolate.


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#1 2017 Year Of Miracles // Larry WACHS - #1 2017 Year Of Miracles
  1. #1 2017 Year Of Miracles // Larry WACHS - #1 2017 Year Of Miracles